The Grendler Who Stole Mooncross
by Ann Brill White
Summary: An "Earth 2" Christmas story


# How the Grendler Stole Mooncross

## a holiday exclusive from KOBA-TV (Ann and John White)

### with apologies to Theodore Geisel ("Dr. Suess") and Chuck Jones

* * *

Every Who down in Who-ville liked Mooncross a lot ...  
But the Grendler, who lived just north of Who-ville, did **NOT**!  


The Grendler hated Mooncross! The whole Mooncross season!  
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.  
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.  
It could be, perhaps, Morgan's shoes were too tight.  
But I think that the most likely reason of all  
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.  


But,  
Whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes,  
He stood there on Mooncross Eve, hating the Whos,  
Staring down with a frown from his dark Grendler home  
At the bright lumalights in the Bio-Who-Dome.  
For he knew every Who down in Who-ville beneath  
Was busy now, hanging a mistletoe wreath.  


"And they're hanging their stockings!" he sneered and he whined.  
"Tomorrow the moons cross! They're almost aligned!"  
Then he growled, with Grendler fingers nervously drumming,  
"I must find some way to stop Mooncross from coming!"  


For,   
Tomorrow, he knew ... That bratty Who girl and boy  
Would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!  
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!  
That's one thing he hated! The **NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!**  


They'd drive their TransRover, they'd shoot off their magpros,  
They'd light lumalights 'til the whole mountain glows!   
They'd race their Dunerail, and diaglove scanners!   
And then Danziger'd go around banging his spanners!  


Then the Whos, young and old, would sit down to a feast.  
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!  
And they'd **FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!**  


They would feast on Who-pudding, and rare Who-roast-beast.  
Rare roast beast was a feast he could not stand in the least!  
"I know how it feels! It could happen to me!  
"So for once, Mr. Danziger, let the poor Who-beast be!"  


And **THEN**  
They'd do something he liked least of all!  
Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,  
Would stand close together, with Mooncross bells ringing.  
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Whos would start singing!  


They'd sing! And they'd sing!  
And they'd **SING! SING! SING! SING!**  


And the more the Grendler thought of this Who-Mooncross-Sing,  
The more the Grendler thought, "I must stop this whole thing!  
"Why, for fifty-three years I've put up with it now!  
"I **MUST** stop this Mooncross from coming! But **HOW**?"  


Then he got an idea!  
An awful idea!  
**THE GRENDLER GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!  
(AND IT MADE HIM DROOL!)  
**

"I know just what to do!" The Grendler laughed in his throat.  
And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.  
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Grendler trick!  
"With this coat and this hat, I look just like Saint Nick!"  


> You're a large one, Mr. Grendler.  
Jenny Craig turned you away!  
How you fit through spider tunnels  
Even you yourself can't say!  
Mr. Grennnn-**DLER!**  
You're a walking all-you-can-eat buffet!
> 
> You're a dumb one, Mr. Grendler.  
You make Littlefield look smart!  
Although between the two of you  
I don't know who has less heart.  
Mr. Grennnn-**DLER!**  
Given the choice between Warren Littlefield, Preston Beckman, and yourself, I'd take ...  
Hell, I'd still take you!
> 
> You're a huge one, Mr. Grendler.  
Richard Simmons' nightmare case!  
When you're not out robbing colonists  
You sit and feed your face.  
Mr. Grennnn-**DLER!**  
You may be a veteran collector, but you haven't got good taste!
> 
> You're a wide load, Mr. Grendler.  
A svelte one you are not!  
You were cut from "The Full Monty" --  
They couldn't fit you in the shot.  
Mr. Grennnn-**DLER!**  
The previous mental image puts my stomach in a knot!

"All I need is a reindeer ..." The Grendler looked around.  
But, since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.  
Did that stop the Grendler ...?   
No!   
The Grendler simply said,  
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one myself!"  
So he called his Koba, Max. Then he took some red thread  
And he tied a big horn on the top of his head.  


****

THEN  
He loaded some bags and some old empty sacks  
On a ramshackle sleigh and he hitched up poor Max.  


He said, "Vehicle start!" and the sleigh leapt ahead  
Toward the domes where the Whos lay a-snoozing in bed.  


All of the domes were dark. Walman's snores filled the air.   
All the Whos were all dreaming sweet dreams without care  
When he came to the first little tent on the square.  
"This is stop number one," the old Grendler Claus hissed  
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.  


Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.  
But, if Santa could do it, then so could the Grendler.  
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.  
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue  
Where the little Who stockings were all hung with care.  
"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things I'll wear!"  


Then he waddled and danced, with a smell most unpleasant,  
Around the whole room, and he took every present!  
Pop guns! And bicycles! Roller skates! Drums!  
Checkerboards! Tricycles! Popcorn! And plums!  
He stuffed them in bags. Then the Grendler, very nimbly,  
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimbley!  


> You're a klepto, Mr. Grendler.  
With a bag about to burst!  
Among the most notorious thieves  
You really are the worst!  
Mr. Grennnn-**DLER!**  
(You know, I've got a line that goes here, and I would remember it -- if I had rehearsed!) 
> 
> You're humongous, Mr. Grendler,  
And your rump's a wide expanse.  
How you make the prairie tremble  
When you do your Grendler Dance!  
Mr. Grennnn-**DLER!**  
The Morgan River Terrian Cave Owners Association hereby subpoenas you to supply recompense for damages incurred to their places of domicile during your participation in the last New Pacifica "Run for Spring" Marathon, including but not necessarily limited to: collapsed ceilings, fractured sunstones ... and trampled-down plants! 
> 
> You're a rude dog, Mr. Grendler.  
You're a nasty, smelly fool!  
You get no invites from Terrians  
Since you cannonballed the Mooncross Pool.  
Mr. Grennnn-**DLER!**  
The three words that describe you are as follows and I quote: **  
STINK,   
STEAL,   
DROOL! **

Then he slunk to the icebox. He ate the Whos' feast!  
He ate the Who-pudding! He ate the roast beast!  
He ate their Who-bread and he ate their Who-jam!  
Why, that Grendler even ate their last can of Who-SPAM!  


"Don't worry," he said, "There will always be more."  
And sure enough, right then and there at the door  
Came ten messages screaming "**MAKE WHO-MONEY QUICK!**"  
And the Grendler exclaimed, "Who'd reply to that shtick?"  


And the messages said, "**EXACTLY!**"  


So he wrote yet another Terms of Services letter.  
(It had no effect, but it made him feel better.)  


Then he stuffed all the loot up the chimney with glee.  
"And now" grinned the Grendler, "I will stuff up the tree!"  


And the Grendler grabbed the tree, and he started to shove  
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.  
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Who!  
Little True Who, who was not more than two.  


The Grendler had been caught by this tiny Who daughter  
Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.  
She stared at the Grendler and said, "Santy Claus, why,  
"Why are you taking our Mooncross tree? **WHY?**"  


But, you know, that old Grendler was so smart and so slick  
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!  
"Why, my sweet little poppet, please don't be sad.  
"I'm taking this tree 'cause its ratings are bad.   
"It's not that there's anything wrong with the tree;   
"It's just been put up somewhere no-one can see.   
"I know you perceive this, my little True Who,   
"It happened to _Space: Above and Beyond _and _Earth 2_.  
"So I'm taking it back to my studio, my dear,  
"Then to the Sci-Fi Channel where you'll see it next year."  


And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head  
And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.  
And when Little True Who was in bed with her cup,  
He went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!  


2Then the last thing he took was the log for their fire!  
Then he went up the chimney, himself, the old liar.  


And the one speck of food that he left in the house  
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.  


****

THEN  
He did the same thing to the other Whos' houses.  
Leaving crumbs much too small for the other Whos' mouses!  


It was quarter past dawn ...  
All the Whos, still a-bed,  
All the Whos, still a-snooze  
When he packed up his sled,  
Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!  
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!  


He rode to the cliff where 'Lonz tried to jump --   
To tip the sleigh there and watch it all dump!  
He stood at the edge and took a look down,  
Awaiting the sound of tears in Who-town.  
"Pooh-Pooh to the Whos!" he was Grendlishly humming,  
"They're just finding out now that no Mooncross is coming!  


"That's a sight," grinned the Grendler, "that I simply **MUST SEE**!"  
So he took out some Jumpers, and watched greedily.  
But the sight that he saw gave him such a surprise  
That he utterly could not believe his own eyes!  


As the sunrise arose with astonishing speed  
The Who Advance Team walked out with Yale in the lead.   
They formed a small circle around their campfire.   
He gave thanks to God, then, voices higher and higher ...   
Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,   
Was singing! Without any presents at all!  


The Grendler **HADN'T** stopped Mooncross from coming!   
**IT CAME!**  
Somehow or other, it came just the same!  


And the Grendler, with his Grendler-feet stuck in the snow,  
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?  
"It came without ribbons! It came without tags!  
"It came without packages, boxes, or bags!"  
And he puzzled and puzzed, till his puzzler was sore.  
Then the Grendler thought of something he hadn't before!  
"Maybe Mooncross," he thought, "isn't a show on TV.  
"Maybe Mooncross ... perhaps ... should begin right with me!"  


And what happened then ... ?  
Well ... in Who-ville they say  
That the Grendler's small heart   
Grew three sizes that day!  


And then the true meaning of Mooncross came through  
And the Grendler found the strength of ten Grendlers plus two!  
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,  
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light  
With regret in his soul he rode back to the Whos,  
Returned all the stuff, then stared at his shoes.  


"I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive.  
"This Mooncross, it never hit me where I live.  
"I just didn't get the whole holiday thing  
"'Til I stood at the cliff and could still hear you sing."  


And Devon said, "Good. And of course you're forgiven."  
Said Yale, "No one should enter the next world unshriven."  
Then Danz raised his magpro: "Please join in our feast."  
And the Grendler ...  
... **HE HIMSELF** ... !  
The Grendler became the roast beast!  


Yale:
    Welcome, Mooncross! Bring your cheer!  
Cheer to all Whos far and near.  
Mooncross Day we'll always feel  
As long as we've got stuff to steal.  



End file.
